the day I confessed to deric...gua beneran deg degan...gimana mau mulai topicnya juga....
me: deric, elo ingat kagak teman gua yang hari itu masuk rumah sakit, malam malam?
Deric: mantan kamu kan....iya..kenapa?
(glek..to the point banget...mantan kamu katanya)
me: dia sekarang udah di udah masuk rehabilitasi di bogor..kayak program AA gitu...dan gua one of his sponsor...
deric: good on him and you....
me: salah satu program AA itu...it;s about building the trust....and coming back to the circle of society...
elo keberatan ngak? Kalau saturday nite...kita keluar bareng bareng dia?
Deric: oh rupanya selama ini....kalau sabtu ada acara ? Rupanya acara rujuk kembali?
Me: gua nggak memaksa sih...but I think you will be a positive influence for him...
deric: gua kok asumsinya beda yah?
Me: maksudnya?
Deric: gua kok ada feeling....you will be using me to make him jealous …
me: hahahhaha
me: he is so so over me yah ...hahhahah....emangnya recycle hahaha?
deric:kamu sendiri gimana? Do you still have feeling for him?
Me: sebagai friend lah...happily divorced....
deric: I thought he hurted you...
me: I am quite happy with my life at the moment...gua nggak mau dendam dendam lagi...ruining my happy moment of life...
deric: happy kenapa ?
Me: ada deh...secret hahahahhahaa
deric: pasti because of me hahah yah ?
Me: may be hahahahah
akhirnya...gua sama deric..keluar makan bareng jeff juga....and it worked well...
gua happy juga....every one happy....
bisa bercanda-canda.....and I am glad that jeff....bisa sembuh....
me: deric, elo ingat kagak teman gua yang hari itu masuk rumah sakit, malam malam?
Deric: mantan kamu kan....iya..kenapa?
(glek..to the point banget...mantan kamu katanya)
me: dia sekarang udah di udah masuk rehabilitasi di bogor..kayak program AA gitu...dan gua one of his sponsor...
deric: good on him and you....
me: salah satu program AA itu...it;s about building the trust....and coming back to the circle of society...
elo keberatan ngak? Kalau saturday nite...kita keluar bareng bareng dia?
Deric: oh rupanya selama ini....kalau sabtu ada acara ? Rupanya acara rujuk kembali?
Me: gua nggak memaksa sih...but I think you will be a positive influence for him...
deric: gua kok asumsinya beda yah?
Me: maksudnya?
Deric: gua kok ada feeling....you will be using me to make him jealous …
me: hahahhaha
me: he is so so over me yah ...hahhahah....emangnya recycle hahaha?
deric:kamu sendiri gimana? Do you still have feeling for him?
Me: sebagai friend lah...happily divorced....
deric: I thought he hurted you...
me: I am quite happy with my life at the moment...gua nggak mau dendam dendam lagi...ruining my happy moment of life...
deric: happy kenapa ?
Me: ada deh...secret hahahahhahaa
deric: pasti because of me hahah yah ?
Me: may be hahahahah
akhirnya...gua sama deric..keluar makan bareng jeff juga....and it worked well...
gua happy juga....every one happy....
bisa bercanda-canda.....and I am glad that jeff....bisa sembuh....
THE DAY I HATED MYSELF SO MUCH...( mendingan mati aja)
and I thought...life was so smooth now....nothing wrong baik dalam ...segi percintaan maupun dari segi karier.....
udah almost 2 months without problems....Jeff dropped the bomb....
udah pulang dinner....waktu mau tidur....
jeff tiba tiba bilang: Trey, ilove....please I love you
me: jeff, oh no...you know so well....i am in love with deric....
jeff: tapi dia kagak cinta sama elo...elo cuma gigolo ...u know it...
me: udah deh tidur.....please jeff...no more twist and turn...gila lo...
jeff lalu memelukku....: I love you trey...please trey...
gua mendorong jeff....: jeff udah deh tidur.....
me: udah deh..gua tidur dikamar satu lagi …..
gua pindah ke kamar tamu....( gua males tidur dikamar ini, soalnya udah kayak gudang, banyak banget barang barang, barang barang titipan adik gua )
ngak lama gua ...kemudian....
jeff masuk lagi ke kamar gua......
jeff: trey gua horny banget....
me: yah udah lah...elo coli sendiri....elo kan tahu sendiri..bokkep ada dimana?
Jeff tiba tiba udah sodorin kontolnya ke muka gua
jeff: isep dong..
gua udah mulai marah.: N O!!!
jeff mulai ngocok ngocokin kontolnya
jeff: please lah...biar nenangin gua....biar gua nggak mikirin shaabu shabu ..pls pls trey
jeff memohon mohon....: trey, pls,,,elo mau gua go back to shabu shabu...?
( gua pikir kalau si jeff, balik ke shabu shabu ..GAWAT, kita bisa mulai dari nol lagi, ini sekarang dia udah bersih)
me: gua nggak mau oral..gua kocokin aja....
akhirnya gua kocokin si jeff.....(perasaan gua menderita banget ...nggak tahu kenapa ?)
I felt so low....sedih banget !!!!!!!
beneran sedih banget.....
me: kok belon keluar keluar sih?
Jeff: pls kiss me....
me: NO!
Jeff: gua susah keluarnya....kalau ngak kissing...elo kan tahu sendiri kan....
gua terpaksa ...gua mencium jeff.....
dan benar nggak lama kemudian...jeff mengebu gebu....dan orgasme...
dia teriak teriak; trey...i love you....i love you so much....
perasaan gua kayak taik banget,...beneran...kayak taik....
Gua kalau bisa mati bunuh diri, kayaknya mendingan mati aja deh….
gua lega banget...dia udah keluar...
jeff: kamu mau nggak dikeluarin?
Me: gua capek banget....gua bohong aja
jeff : kenapa?
Me::tadi pagi pagi udah dikeluarin sama deric...2 kali...ok?
Jeff: beda dong....dia keluarin elo...as a gigolo....gua keluarin elo as a lover...
me: udah tidur lah please...i am begging you please...
akhirnya jeff menyerah dan tidur....
gua dalam hati ….benar benar teringat kata kata rini
gua jadinya percaya yang namanya REINKARNASI...
pastinya sebelum gua reinkarnasi sebagai manusia...gua beneran KESET KAKI...WELCOME
yang bisa diinjak injak orang....dan membershihkan debu debu di sepatunya....
Oh GOD...THe hotty works in the same building ..yummmy yummy
masih ingat si justine nggak?
Cowok cakep super hot, temannya deric dari futsal, yang gua ketemu waktu dia visit deric waktu di rumah sakit....
and....actually ..he works in the same building...
tahunya pas ngantri lift...
biasalah...gua lihat cowok cakep..otomatis..SMILING...
and then justine said: hmm kita sepertinya pernah ketemu dimana?
Gua padahal ngak mungkin sih melupakan dia ...justine...tapi mesti pura pura jaim..
me; iya muka kamu familiar banget....
kalau dia lupa ampun deh......
justine: iya kamu temenya deric kan? Kita ketemuan di rumahsakit ..
me: oh iya....kamu justine kan...
justine: sorry, aku kagak ingat nama kamu...
(me disaster !!!! dia kagak ingat nama gua !!)
aduh kok cakep banget nih anak hahahhaha
justine: minta kartu nama dong!
Gua cepat cepat kasih kartu nama gua......
dia juga kasih kartu namanya,,,,,
rupanya namanya ; Jestin bukan justine...gua pikir justine bieber...
jestin: ada pin bb nggak?
Me: ada....
jestin : gua add yah....
jestin: kamu level berapa?
Me: level 16..kamu ?
Jestin: 20....
tiba tiba pintu lift gua udah kebuka....
me: bye..see u
jestin: bb mu udah gua add...accept yah.....
aduh dia gay atau bukan yah...gua bingung kalau sama cowok cakep...
udah super BIAS...setiap yang cakep....radar gua bunyi melulu...mungkin wishful thinking dianya gay...
lunch time..dia tiba tiba ..bb gua...mau lunch bareng nggak?
Aduh gua happy banget...dapat lunch sama si Hottie berdua...
eh ternyata....lunchnya bareng bareng sama teman temannya.....sekantor
terpaksa...gua ajak juga teman teman kantor gua....
teman gua dengan dodolnya pake nanya lagi didepan jestin: tadi katanya kagak mau lunch bareng ?
Hahahhahahaha
hepi yah ,,,,kalau ketemu cowok cakep hahahahhaha
masih ingat si justine nggak?
Cowok cakep super hot, temannya deric dari futsal, yang gua ketemu waktu dia visit deric waktu di rumah sakit....
and....actually ..he works in the same building...
tahunya pas ngantri lift...
biasalah...gua lihat cowok cakep..otomatis..SMILING...
and then justine said: hmm kita sepertinya pernah ketemu dimana?
Gua padahal ngak mungkin sih melupakan dia ...justine...tapi mesti pura pura jaim..
me; iya muka kamu familiar banget....
kalau dia lupa ampun deh......
justine: iya kamu temenya deric kan? Kita ketemuan di rumahsakit ..
me: oh iya....kamu justine kan...
justine: sorry, aku kagak ingat nama kamu...
(me disaster !!!! dia kagak ingat nama gua !!)
aduh kok cakep banget nih anak hahahhaha
justine: minta kartu nama dong!
Gua cepat cepat kasih kartu nama gua......
dia juga kasih kartu namanya,,,,,
rupanya namanya ; Jestin bukan justine...gua pikir justine bieber...
jestin: ada pin bb nggak?
Me: ada....
jestin : gua add yah....
jestin: kamu level berapa?
Me: level 16..kamu ?
Jestin: 20....
tiba tiba pintu lift gua udah kebuka....
me: bye..see u
jestin: bb mu udah gua add...accept yah.....
aduh dia gay atau bukan yah...gua bingung kalau sama cowok cakep...
udah super BIAS...setiap yang cakep....radar gua bunyi melulu...mungkin wishful thinking dianya gay...
lunch time..dia tiba tiba ..bb gua...mau lunch bareng nggak?
Aduh gua happy banget...dapat lunch sama si Hottie berdua...
eh ternyata....lunchnya bareng bareng sama teman temannya.....sekantor
terpaksa...gua ajak juga teman teman kantor gua....
teman gua dengan dodolnya pake nanya lagi didepan jestin: tadi katanya kagak mau lunch bareng ?
Hahahhahahaha
hepi yah ,,,,kalau ketemu cowok cakep hahahahhaha
Stop it please!!!
gua udah mulai kesal dengan sikap jeff....
now dia udah berani,tiba tiba masuk kekamar gua dan langsung menindih gua....and kissing me....
and funny thing... setiap di depan deric...he so well behaved...and when he came home..he is different person altogether.....
like he is so in love with me...MADly in love...
he will kiss me...meluk gua...bilang bilang I love you...
me: jeff no!!!
jeff: why not...why dont I deserve second chance? I will prove it to you...i will be a great husband...kalau perlu kita get married....
me: jeff...not me lah...elo cari orang lain....
jeff: so I am not good enough for you?Dulu elo cinta kali sama gua!!!
Me: bukan begitu...you hurted me so bad before...gua udah traumatised
jeff: gua kan udah minta maaf...
jeff sekarang berlutut minta maaf.....
me; but I am not in love with you anymore...
jeff: atau elo lebih memilih jadi gigolo?
Me: elo gila yah? Ini yang namanya cinta
Jeff: iya kan..karena gua nggak ada uang kan....it;s all because of money ..i know it...
me: nggak yah !!!
jeff: mana mungkin nggak because of money, elo lebih memilih orang yang penyakit kusta dan cuma menggangap elo itu gigolo dari pada gua yang bener bener mencintai elo
me: itu bukan kusta yah..itu prosriasis....
jeff: intinya uang kan...elo sama aja kayak arry!
Me: kalau elo nggak stop ngomong yang enggak enggak ....elo bakal gua usir loh...
jeff: yah udah kalau begitu...usir aja!
Me: dont push me...udah deh gua mau tidur..
jeff lalu menindih gua, memeluk gua, berusaha menghisap kontol gua...
me : jeff...no !!!!or I will call your mum.
..Jeff untungnya...bisa agak sadar sedikit..waktu gua ngancam nelpon mamanya...
bagaimana pun....dia sangat sayang sama mamanya....(untunglah dia masih punya hati nurani)
gua bener bener merasa terganggu ..banget...
setelah dia pergi...hari seninnya gua call tempat rehabilitasinya....
dan setelah gua menghubungin psikitater yang menghandle dia...diputuskan kalau gua kagak boleh lagi berhubungan dengan jeff....
karena ini yang di sebut...ADDICTION SWAPPING...
jeff , memiliki sedikit trait of compulsive behaviour...walaupun gua nggak pernah sadar selama gua jadi pacar dia, kalau dia ada compulsive behaviour , cuma gua tahunya dulu dia emang workholic....but dia cari uang setengah mati, ingin membahagiakan mamanya....
menurut pertimbangan psikiater yang menangani jeff.....it;s a cycle of his compulsive behaviour and combination of addiction....
his addiction of arry diganti ke addiction ke shabu-shabu, now he is clean with shabu shabu, his addiction di lampiaskan terhadap gua....
jadi intinya dia itu bukan benar benar cinta..kegua...it;s his adddiction yang berbicara di otak dia...
kasihan juga sih....
sebenarnya gua kagak boleh jadi sponsor dia....
psikiaternya kagak tahu..kalau gua sama dia itu ada history....tante agnes kagak cerita mengenai masa lalu gua dengan jeff ke Dr.Bambang...
Dr.Bambang cuma nasehatin gua, untuk bisa mengerti...he is not bad person, it just he is wired that way.......
gua mau bilang apa, kalau dokternya udah bilang begitu....bahwa jeff itu emang udah kayak gitu, combination of compulsive and addiction....
dokternya pake bilang lagi suruh gua mengerti...it's like being born gay...your brain iswired that way...udah kayak gitu dari sononya
is it our choice to be gay?
Is it jeff's choice to be addicted with you? And believe that addiction is love?
gua udah mulai kesal dengan sikap jeff....
now dia udah berani,tiba tiba masuk kekamar gua dan langsung menindih gua....and kissing me....
and funny thing... setiap di depan deric...he so well behaved...and when he came home..he is different person altogether.....
like he is so in love with me...MADly in love...
he will kiss me...meluk gua...bilang bilang I love you...
me: jeff no!!!
jeff: why not...why dont I deserve second chance? I will prove it to you...i will be a great husband...kalau perlu kita get married....
me: jeff...not me lah...elo cari orang lain....
jeff: so I am not good enough for you?Dulu elo cinta kali sama gua!!!
Me: bukan begitu...you hurted me so bad before...gua udah traumatised
jeff: gua kan udah minta maaf...
jeff sekarang berlutut minta maaf.....
me; but I am not in love with you anymore...
jeff: atau elo lebih memilih jadi gigolo?
Me: elo gila yah? Ini yang namanya cinta
Jeff: iya kan..karena gua nggak ada uang kan....it;s all because of money ..i know it...
me: nggak yah !!!
jeff: mana mungkin nggak because of money, elo lebih memilih orang yang penyakit kusta dan cuma menggangap elo itu gigolo dari pada gua yang bener bener mencintai elo
me: itu bukan kusta yah..itu prosriasis....
jeff: intinya uang kan...elo sama aja kayak arry!
Me: kalau elo nggak stop ngomong yang enggak enggak ....elo bakal gua usir loh...
jeff: yah udah kalau begitu...usir aja!
Me: dont push me...udah deh gua mau tidur..
jeff lalu menindih gua, memeluk gua, berusaha menghisap kontol gua...
me : jeff...no !!!!or I will call your mum.
..Jeff untungnya...bisa agak sadar sedikit..waktu gua ngancam nelpon mamanya...
bagaimana pun....dia sangat sayang sama mamanya....(untunglah dia masih punya hati nurani)
gua bener bener merasa terganggu ..banget...
setelah dia pergi...hari seninnya gua call tempat rehabilitasinya....
dan setelah gua menghubungin psikitater yang menghandle dia...diputuskan kalau gua kagak boleh lagi berhubungan dengan jeff....
karena ini yang di sebut...ADDICTION SWAPPING...
jeff , memiliki sedikit trait of compulsive behaviour...walaupun gua nggak pernah sadar selama gua jadi pacar dia, kalau dia ada compulsive behaviour , cuma gua tahunya dulu dia emang workholic....but dia cari uang setengah mati, ingin membahagiakan mamanya....
menurut pertimbangan psikiater yang menangani jeff.....it;s a cycle of his compulsive behaviour and combination of addiction....
his addiction of arry diganti ke addiction ke shabu-shabu, now he is clean with shabu shabu, his addiction di lampiaskan terhadap gua....
jadi intinya dia itu bukan benar benar cinta..kegua...it;s his adddiction yang berbicara di otak dia...
kasihan juga sih....
sebenarnya gua kagak boleh jadi sponsor dia....
psikiaternya kagak tahu..kalau gua sama dia itu ada history....tante agnes kagak cerita mengenai masa lalu gua dengan jeff ke Dr.Bambang...
Dr.Bambang cuma nasehatin gua, untuk bisa mengerti...he is not bad person, it just he is wired that way.......
gua mau bilang apa, kalau dokternya udah bilang begitu....bahwa jeff itu emang udah kayak gitu, combination of compulsive and addiction....
dokternya pake bilang lagi suruh gua mengerti...it's like being born gay...your brain iswired that way...udah kayak gitu dari sononya
is it our choice to be gay?
Is it jeff's choice to be addicted with you? And believe that addiction is love?
Is he jealous????
saturday morning...si deric mau latihan futsal...dan gua langsung keceplosan....
me: do you know...kalau si jestin ternyata sama gua satu gedung loh, kerjanya ..say hi yah?
Deric: kok elo kagak pernah cerita, kalau satu gedung
Me: iya kagak ingat, ini karena elo mau latihan futsal makanya gua teringat....
deric; did you mention anything about us?
Me: nggak lah...eh dia gay nggak sih? Hahaha
gua nunggu jawaban si deric, sambil crossing my finger...Si cakep mudah mudahan gay
deric: why?
Me: hahah penasaran aja..soalnya cakep banget ….
deric: elo rasa?
Me: ngak tahu..makanya gua nanyain ke elo....
deric: gua juga nggak tahu...i am not a slut...
me: ih elo...aneh jawabannya ...anyway...say hi yah to him, from me
deric: I dont think ...you are his type..., not everyone is looking for gigolo
duh kok kuping gua panas banget....
gua langsung terdiam.......
me: oh rupanya ada yang naksir jestin yah?
Deric: what the hell u r talking about?
Me: kalau elo emang suka ama jestin, just say so.....kenapa mesti attacking gua personally...
deric: he is a nice guy, just friend from futsal....and gua nggak slut yah..ketemu cowok cakep..langsung oh..he is so handsome...oh ..say hi to him...
deric: what the hell am doing..wasting my time....i better playing futsal with jestin, rather than talking bullshit with you ….
gua dalam hati..what the hell...Ini anak kenapa sih marah marah?
kok jadi sensitif...
jangan jangan...si deric emang naksir sama si jestin...
me; kalau elo emang suka sama jestin...bilang aja...nanti gua comblangin....
deric: mind your own business!!!!!
me: just be honest...kalau emang suka.....Gua nggak akan merebut si jestin dari elo !!!!
nggak usah paranoid!!!!!!
deric: siapa yang paranoid...gua nggak merasa jestin..tipe yang cari gigolo...elo aja yang ke grrrr an....
si deric keluar dari apartemen sambil membanting pintu....BUMM
gua masih bengong...speechless
saturday morning...si deric mau latihan futsal...dan gua langsung keceplosan....
me: do you know...kalau si jestin ternyata sama gua satu gedung loh, kerjanya ..say hi yah?
Deric: kok elo kagak pernah cerita, kalau satu gedung
Me: iya kagak ingat, ini karena elo mau latihan futsal makanya gua teringat....
deric; did you mention anything about us?
Me: nggak lah...eh dia gay nggak sih? Hahaha
gua nunggu jawaban si deric, sambil crossing my finger...Si cakep mudah mudahan gay
deric: why?
Me: hahah penasaran aja..soalnya cakep banget ….
deric: elo rasa?
Me: ngak tahu..makanya gua nanyain ke elo....
deric: gua juga nggak tahu...i am not a slut...
me: ih elo...aneh jawabannya ...anyway...say hi yah to him, from me
deric: I dont think ...you are his type..., not everyone is looking for gigolo
duh kok kuping gua panas banget....
gua langsung terdiam.......
me: oh rupanya ada yang naksir jestin yah?
Deric: what the hell u r talking about?
Me: kalau elo emang suka ama jestin, just say so.....kenapa mesti attacking gua personally...
deric: he is a nice guy, just friend from futsal....and gua nggak slut yah..ketemu cowok cakep..langsung oh..he is so handsome...oh ..say hi to him...
deric: what the hell am doing..wasting my time....i better playing futsal with jestin, rather than talking bullshit with you ….
gua dalam hati..what the hell...Ini anak kenapa sih marah marah?
kok jadi sensitif...
jangan jangan...si deric emang naksir sama si jestin...
me; kalau elo emang suka sama jestin...bilang aja...nanti gua comblangin....
deric: mind your own business!!!!!
me: just be honest...kalau emang suka.....Gua nggak akan merebut si jestin dari elo !!!!
nggak usah paranoid!!!!!!
deric: siapa yang paranoid...gua nggak merasa jestin..tipe yang cari gigolo...elo aja yang ke grrrr an....
si deric keluar dari apartemen sambil membanting pintu....BUMM
gua masih bengong...speechless
Something wrong....? (KENAPA YAH???)
somehow , I think deric is changing....i am not sure , is that my imagination...or is it a real thing?
Sometimes , aku merasa dia menjadi lebih diam.... sometimes he asked weird questions...
sometimes he is so cold...sometimes he just stared at me ….looking at me ...for a long time....
me: gua kok merasa something wrong with you?
Deric: is that how you feel at the moment?
Me: iya
deric: is that really because of me? Or is it because what you did, and you projected it through me?
Me: aiyo,,,elo ngomong apa? Gua cuma merasa something different with u?
Deric: mungkin aja elo yang changed....that;s why you feel different...
me: hmm apa gua mau kena flu yah?
Deric : what do you really want in life?
Me: hehe I dont know....peace of mind...
deric: are you satisfied with your life at the moment?
Me: lumayan,...kenapa?
Deric: ngak apa-apa, cuma want to know you better aja...
me: is there something you want to share with me?
Deric: not really....i just wish I can read people's mind...
me; why?
Deric: makes life simpler..i guess
me: ah pusing ...nggak mau ngebahas yang ngak nggak....
deric: please come here....i want to hug you..
me: tumben, romantis banget....
deric: just come here
deric lalu memeluk ku, mencium bibirku lembut, sambil menatapku....
lalu mengelus ngelus pipiku...
me: ih dont be like this lah, gua merinding...elo kayak udah mau mati aja...melihat gua sampe kayak gitu
deric : I want to smell you.....i dont want to forget how you smell
deric: I want to remember how your voice sound...
me: elo kenapa sih? Are you on drugs?
Deric: nope.....
deric: we have known each other for so many months now...almost one year soon...what do you think of me....? I want to hear the positive and negative sides of me
me; hahaha....i dont know?
Deric: masak sih ..nggak tahu?
Me: kasih contoh dulu, what do you think of me?
Deric: hmmm.......i wish I know you dear...hahahaha....you are such a mystery...
me: really?
Aku mengelus ngelus tangan deric, memainkan bulu bulu tangannya....aku baru sadar kalu bulu tangannya lumayan lebat..
me: elo kayak monkey yah,....
suddenly he kissed me, slowly taking off my clothes....
I can hear his breathing...
this time...i can feel it...he never this soft...kiss me softly....touch me softly....
I can feel the rhythm, the warm, the tenderness....
I am actually scared...why was he doing this?
I thought we r going to have seks...
but at the end...we r just lying naked, and cuddling....
posisi dada gua serasa pas didadanya, gua bisa merasakan kalau irama degub jantung gua itu, synchronised....
gua ngantuk...dan tiba tiba tersadar...
deric: will you ever hurt me?
Me: why will I want to hurt you?
Deric: hmm.......
gua udah kagak tahan lagi.....
gua menulis dibadan deric...dengan jari gua...
i love you.....
tapi kayaknya dia nggak sadar....
deric: hihihi geli....
to be continued...
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