Season 2 : Trey ... bagian 5

Bagian 5
by Garykoolames

continued....
fighting with jestine....hmm...i had never had this kind of experience before...
BEDA banget...

kalau lagi argument sama jeff, dia pasti teriak teriak, sometimes sampe banting barang...
sometimes gua balas teriak....with jeff ...itu paling melelahkan...

with deric, dia yang tipe ...ngambek...diam , don;t talk much...ngomong apa adanya
Ini juga capek banget...kadang kita udah melunak dan mengalah
gua ngajakin ngomong duluan...eh masih dicuekin

But with jestine...
gua lagi ngomel ngomel...
he will hug me...pegang tangan gua: life is too precious to be wasted like this...i am sorry...

IHHHHHHHHHH gua nggak puas.....
gua masih pengen ngomel....belun tuntas emosinya
tapi dengan sikap dia yang begitu baek..gua jadinya susah mau marah
jestine: dont hold grudge...it;s better if you express it ..i understand
seolah olah siap menerima kemarahan gua dengan tulus...
CAPEK banget....
NGAK BISA tuntas, kalau mau ngomel

I think God may be fair...small in one thing, big in another thing
jestine may have small penis, but he has the biggest heart of all

somehow...the image of deric ...was flashing now and then
so many questions i wanted to ask...but had no courage to
kenapa dia ada scar itu?
kapan prosriasisnya muncul?
apa kerjaannya? we didnt talk about it at all...of course...karena hubungan kita adalah as gigolo and his client...
but with jestine..he is my boyfriend...

so i said to jestine: jestine...tell me about this masalah hormon mu
i want to know all the story
jestine: hmm....it;s not a nice story..but i will tell you, if you really want to know
me: i dont want to avoid this anymore...and if you want to ask any questions ..just ask me
jestine: i will make my story short....
jestine: hmm...masalah micropenis ini...i think i was born with it...but luckly ketahuannya, kalau tidak salah waktu gua berumur either setahun or more..gua kagak ingat...somehow...gua mau disunat....
and the doctor yang mau sunat and examine gua....curiga...
and they did a blood test...yah untungnya it;s not chromosomal damage...it;s only hormonal...
something wrong with my hormon...it will be very complicated to explain...
cuma untungnya...masalah hormon gua itu...bukan di hypothalamus..cuma di testes...
me: kenapa lebih untung kalau ditestes
jestine: hmm...karena ditestes masalahnya lebih localised, kalau di hypothalamus-pituitary gua nggak tahu masalah kesehatan apa lagi yang harus gua hadapin...
jestine: move on...sampai gua smp...semua temen temen udah puberty..gua belon puberty..
karena untuk bisa pubertas..gua itu harus disuntik hormon, puberty tidak bisa terjadi secara langsung...
yah begitulah seterusnya.....i just have hormonal treatment
me: jestine are you really gay ?
jestine: i dont know what i am ....i dont have sexual hormon..so i dont know
but i choose to be gay, because i am infertile, punya anak udah pasti kagak mungkin and of course i will never please a woman...
me: why do you choose me ?
jestine: coz i love you
me: why do you love me?
jestine: should love has a reason?
me: i think it;s your turn to ask me questions
jestine: are you happy?
me: hmmm..someone asked this question before...i dont know what happiness is...swear..i dont know what happiness is? is it something constant...? but kalau elo nanya gua , are you unhappy? i know for sure i am not unhappy.
jestine: hmm...are you happy with me ?
me: not, if i think of alif
jestine tersenyum
jestine : are you sexually satisfied?
me: waktu elo ejakulasi rasanya apa?
jestine: enak
me: waktu gua sex ama elo, gua ejakulasi nggak?
jestine: ejakulasi
me: so why do you ask me this stupid question?
( hmm actually ...jujur hiks hiks gua ngak satisfied hiks hiks..)
jestine: terus kenapa pake poppers?
me: hmm..pake poppers itu supaya muncratnya lebih mantap gitu...aduh gua susah jelasinnya..elo google deh.., semua juga pake poppers, cowok cewek
(another story yang gua buat buat)
jestine: do you love me?
me: elo rasa ?
jestine: i think you love me.. and .i love you too

then jestine hug me ..kiss me on the cheek....
(Gua dalam hati ..." IF ONLY ....")

-----

alif keep on calling gua...tapi gua reject
heran banget tuh anak....
apalagi maunya ?
akhirnya hp terpaksa gua buat vibrate ...

sampainya gua di lobby apartemen...
gua terkejut...tiba tiba udah ada alif
OH My god..ini anak, kayaknya emang psycho....
me: elo gila yah?
alif: elo bilang elo mau putus sama jestine, kok nggak jadi ?
me: emangnya gua nggak boleh change my mind...it;s my business anyway...
alif: what do you want from him?
me: i am asking you the same question, what do you want from him?
alif: udah lah..let him go...i know the real you
me: what makes you think i dont deserve jestine
alif: please deh...sauna is your second home...can you live without sex ?
me: hmm...banyak orang disini...talk in my place...
akhirnya gua bawa alif ke apartemen gua...
me: what do you want me to do ?
alif: stay away from jestine
me: kenapa elo nggak suruh jestine yang menjauh dari gua ..gua kagak datang datang ke tempat dia, dia yang selalu datang ketempat gua..kenapa elo nggak suruh dia yang putusin gua?
alif: we were so happy before you came ....
alif: you can have all your happiness in sauna..why do you have to hurt jestine?
me: when did i hurt jestine? tell me
alif: you will hurt him one day ...because you are a slut
me: dont push me....i can be an evil bitch too
alif: you should reflect back...all your sin...mana ada hubungan percintaan elo yang langgeng
mana ada ? yang ada jadi drug addict gara gara elo.
( hati hati gua bener bener panas, it;s true....none of my love story last ...it;s all over..tragically)
me: do you know why jestine choose me?
me ( gua udah kalap dan emosi): karena dia nggak mau orang yang cacat, he likes big dick... not someone without breast....elo orang berdua mau sex pake apa ? pake timun?



Suddenly alif cry..and run away.....

( now understand...arti peribahasa mulutmu harimau mu)
berpikir sebelum berbicara...it;s too late...
i regretted..what i said to alif....
i defintely have hurted his feeling....
and i know...HE will hate me for the rest of his life...

( i am trully sorry for what i said ....it;s too late now...i already make an enemy)

malamnya...as i expected...jestine akan datang...
as usual...dia bakal bawain makanan...untuk dinner...

i was waiting for him to bring up the subject...
seperti yang gua bayangkan...his voice is soft...very calm
jestine: tadi alif call gua...dia kayaknya sedih banget
me: oh i c
jestine: why dont you talk to him?
me: mau ngomong apa?
jestine: say something nice..or apologize
me: kalau gua nggak mau ?
jestine: gua nggak bisa paksa kamu of course...but i hope elo mau melunak dikit
me: gua rasa alif jadi begini, karena elo manjain ...
jestine: i am just giving him hope...having this condition is not the end of the world
me: but reality of life is not always rosy ...
jestine: have some empathy...kalau elo yang jadi alif gimana

gua tiba tiba panas....
me: every one has it;s own pain, because i am not xxy, bukan berarti i dont have my own pain
me: and one thing for sure..kalau gua jadi alif...gua nggak bakalan have an evil tongue
jestine: dia nggak begitu kesetiap orang...dia begitu cuma ke kamu seorang
me: jadi maksud kamu itu salah gua...
jestine: trey sayang, jangan cepat emosi sayang
jestine: maksud gua....it;s not his choice to be born like that...and sometimes...cinta bisa bertepuk sebelah tangan...pasti dia nggak mau dilahirkan begini dan cintanya seperti ini
me: mengenai hal itu, kagak ada hubungannya dengan gua ..itu urusan elo berdua, i dont mind kalau elo mesti memilih dia .
jestine: trey, kenapa mesti ngomong begitu ?gua bukan attack kamu, gua mau opinion kamu
me: jestine, doesn;t mean because my dick is normal, i have a rosy cinderella life. As you know, i had my own pain in relationship. Hubungan gua dengan keluarga gua juga tidak baik. Do you think my life is perfect ?
jestine: i just want you to be kind with alif...
me:ngak ada gunanya gua baek sama dia, selama elo jadi boyfriend gua...it;s you, yang dia mau .
jestine: try to make him understand
me: how?tell me how?

setelah gua pikir pikir....i am too tired to fight...
aku sebenarnya capek...belon lagi masalah di pekerjaan...
just want to be loved...bukannya mengurusin masalah masalah yang tidak berguna ini...

jestine: kamu masih marah sama si alif?
me: nggak....aku capek aja
jestine: sorry deh...jangan dipikirin lagi...
me: jestine, boleh ngak kalau malam ini kita ketemuan sama alif?
jestine: why?
me: gua pengen ngomong hati ke hati dengan dia,..with you there
jestine: gua kok merasa, it;s not a good idea
me: kamu jangan khawatir, gua cuma mau say sorry, bukan mau attack dia.

jestine: ok, aku coba tanyain dulu ke alif

gua dalam hati menyesal juga, i am being too harsh ke alif
walaupun ..gua begitu karena diprovoke ...
but still not enough a good reason to be hurtful towards people
apa sih untungnya menyakiti hati orang

jestine: alif bilang, kalau elo mau minta maaf, you are welcomed, other than that, please stay away from him.
me: gua mau minta maaf...
jestine: kamu kenapa tiba tiba mengalah ?
me: i am tired jestine...i want to have a good nite sleep, tanpa beban.gua pengen get it all finished and done...

jestine lalu menggenggam tanganku: thanks trey, it means a lot to me, kalau elo berdua can be best friend.
aku juga sebenarnya bingung mau ngomong apa dengan alif...
but i know..gua bener bener menyesal, to attack him

tidak terasa, serasanya baru masuk mobil, tiba tiba sudah sampai di tempat Alif, rumahnya besar dan mewah.
Jestine: kita mau turun, atau cuma pick him up?
me: just pick him up, terus kita ngomong disomewhere yang tenang

akhirnya alif masuk kedalam mobil
mukanya masih cemberut...
me: hi alif, sorry about before...
alif: so where are we going now?
me: terserah deh....
alif: kok terserah gua sih? kan elo yang ngajakin keluar
jestine: udah udah...kita ke daerah senopati aja...

suasana sangat tenang, tanpa suara selama dimobil...
tanpa ada perbincangan
sampai akhirnya kita disebuah cafe didaerah senopati

akhirnya kita duduk bertiga....
gua langsung memulai perbincangan: alif, kamu kalau ada unek unek mendingan kamu ungkapin deh, biar jelas ?
alif: kok jadi uneg uneg gua, bukanya elo mau minta maaf
me: iya , gua minta maaf banget, karena telah meyakiti hati kamu, tapi masalahnya, kalau nggak diselesaikan sekarang, gua takutnya bakal terulang kembali.
alif: gua nggak ada masalah apa-apa .
me: alif, aku tahu kamu nggak suka kalau gua pacaran sama dengan jestine, kalau kamu tidak suka, kamu kasih tahu aja alasannya, biar jelas
alif: hmm fair enough...apa alasan kamu mau sama jestine?
jestine: alif, i think it;s too much...ini kan private matters
alif: koko, kalau si trey bisa convince gua, gua rela, jujur aja, latar belakangnya si trey kan bukan bagus-bagus banget
me: it;s true...
me: gua jawab aja deh, gua dari awal, gua nggak mau sama si jestine
me: jestine, elo kan tahu masalah ini...
me: gua udah bilang dari awal, kalau gua nggak mau kalau elo jadi pelarian, and then elo minta ke gua, untuk diberikan kesempatan...
me: gua pikir pikir why not ? elo orangnya cakep....but as times goes by...kayaknya pacaran sama elo enak aja, nggak banyak neko-neko, ngak banyak peraturan...it just flows...
alif: apakah elo yakin elo tidak akan break my koko's heart ?
me: gua nggak yakin
alif: tuh kan, jawaban kamu aja sudah ragu...
me: i wish i can be sure of thing in life, but i know so many times, nothing is certain....
me: alif, apakah kamu sebenarnya bisa rela gua pacaran sama jestine?
alif: Aku mau kak jestine jawab jujur, bagusan koko pacaran sama alif , atau sama kak trey?
me: jujur...mendingan kak jestine pacaran sama kamu

jestine terkejut
alif: tuh kan kokok, kak trey aja, bilang kalau kita berdua lebih cocok
jestine: tapi alif, koko udah anggap alif, kayak adik kandung....koko sayang banget sama alif, tapi sayangnya kayak saudara.
jestine: are you giving up on us?

aku melihat mata jestine berkaca-kaca
me: i am just telling truth.....
me: gua merasa kalau dibandingkan, alif has greater love towards you...dari dulu dia tidak pernah berhenti mencintaimu, never give up , walaupun kita udah setahunan pacaran.
and one more thing, his reason to love lebih tulus dari gua...
me: gua ngomong jujur aja, elo lucky elo cakep, kalau elo nggak cakep, gua mungkin nggak mau pacaran sama elo
but alif love you because elo berdua share a story, he can feel your pain, he can understand your pain, and he want to protect you always.
jestine: are you giving up on us?
me: i am not giving up, cuma i think there is someone better for you
jestine: alif, kalau because of today, we break up, i think our friendship will never be the same again.
alif : tapi ko?
me: jestine, please be wise....it;s not because of alif, look at me ...none of my relationship lasts...ngak ada yang berhasil...apa yang bikin kamu yakin , kalau kali ini bisa berhasil?
jestine: i love you, and it hurts...to hear you talking like this
alif: ko, boleh nggak, gua ngomong berdua sama kak trey, please....
jestine: alif, walaupun kamu bikin koko sama kak trey putus, i will always sayang kamu, but koko mau bilang, there will be a big hole in my heart....
alif: ko please....do you trust me?
me: jestine, do trust him, give us a moment...please...dia nggak ada membuat kesalahan apa apa, like you said, sometimes to fall in love it;s not a choice, you cant control your heart...
jestine: okay..
akhirnya jestine keluar dari cafe, mainin hp diluar sambil minta bill

me: alif, jestine itu sayang sama kamu....more than dia sayang aku
alif: kak trey, jujur aja...now i can see the other side of kak trey, aku tahu kalau kak trey itu kagak jahat, but still gua merasa...kak trey is not good enough untuk koko jestine
kak trey jangan marah yah?
me: hmm...i know..you want the best for him
alif: kak trey, aku ada permohonan sama kakak? aku mohon
me: apa? i try my best
alif: aku confident aku pasti one day bisa dapatin koko, aku nggak mau kakak, giving away koko jestine....gua confident one day , gua bisa membuat koko jestine memilih gua...let our battle begin, kak.

gua nggak sengaja jadi ngakak : elo pede kali yah
jestine: kalau cuma lawannya kakak, gua sih pede
me: jujur alif, i admire your confident and persistent....i wish gua have your confident...
( gua teringat deric, coba dulu gua pede aja, mengungkapkan perasaan gua...menceritakan yang sebenarnya)
alif: gua lebih admire kakak lah, udah nggak ada istimewanya, suka kesauna, ngomong suka asal, tapi masih ada juga laki laki yang cinta mati sama kakak...

( duh ini anak pengen gua tabok)
alif: kakak peace yah... jujur sih kakak, kalau one day gua mati, kandidat penerus yang mengantiin posisi aku, dihati gua cuma kak trey ...yang boleh pacaran lagi sama koko jestine
me: ngomong jangan ngaco yah....
alif: yuk pulang kak...kak..let our battle begin yah

gua entah kenapa tiba tiba jadi sayang sama alif, gua merasakan seperti alif itu adik gua
the brother with all the confident and persistent...
gua tidak sengaja, merangkul alif, and dia merangkulku kembali
jestine jadi bingung....
jestine : elo orang ngomongin apa ?
me: hahahah let our battle begin ahhaha
alif: tenang aja koko, the time will come

dimalam hari, ketika hendak tidur...
jestine menggenggam tanganku...: are you really giving up on us?
aku terkejut...dan memandangnya....he looks sad....
me: i love you jestine...
jestine: please dont leave me....
me: sometimes...gua merasa gua nggak pantas untuk dapatin elo ...
jestine: i am sorry, kalau i am not perfect....i am sorry...
me: no, jestine...it;s not about that...
jestine: so why?
me: i love you, for so many selfish reason....
jestine: maksudnya?
me: elo baik banget....too kind..
me: jestine, there are so many little things that means alot to me...
you are way too kind, sometimes gua merasa i dont deserve you...
jestine: gua nggak ngerti...
me: elo itu kayak angel send from heaven.....
me: banyak banget hal hal yang elo lakukan , yang menyentuh banget di hati gua...yang mungkin elo pun tidak sadarin...but it;s you...just like an angel...
jestine: misalnya apa?
me: elo ingat nggak? waktu ban gua bocor, elo ganti ban gua sampe beres, tanpa ada complain sedikitpun, besoknya, ban gua yang bocor udah elo tambal.
kalau misalnya hujan, elo turunin gua dulu, elo cari parkiran sendirian , kehujanan sendirian....
elo bisa ingat ambilin laundry gua...so many little little things like that
kalau elo lihat aqua galon gua ..udah mulai kosong, elo beli, elo angkat sendiri, ....
(tiba-tiba air mata gua mengalir )
me: you are just way too good to me
jestine: thanks , but you are my boyfriend, thats why boyfriend do rite?
jestine: i wish sometimes, i just have a normal penis, i dont ask for a big one, just normal...then life is perfect...
me:some times. i wish that too...but most of the times, i am quite happy ...i am human too, it;s not all about sex. it;s more about love and kindness...
jestine: trey, kamu ada kepikiran jadi straight and have family...
me: nggak...kenapa?
jestine: sometimes, gua pengen punya anak ...sigh...
me: arghh..gua nggak lah, kayaknya aneh aja, takutnya malah mempengaruhi kejiwaan anaknya
jestine: elo nggak pengen jadi normal ?
me: nggak, gua udah comfortable for what i am...
me: jestine , are you gay ?
jestine: gua juga ngak tahu, gua sebenarnya pengen have family, have kids...
jestine: tapi dari kecil orang tua gua udah bilang, kalau sebaiknya gua jangan kawin.
me: hmm..gua nggak tahu deh, tapi cewek lebih berperasaan dari pada cowok. It;s not all about sex.
jestine: gua bingung juga, soalnya dari dulu bokap-nyokap, udah bilang kemungkinan gua married itu , kecil banget...
jestine:gua juga udah check, terakhir gua have low sperm count...
me: ih elo beneran pengen punya anak yah ?
jestine: itu cuma wishful thinking gua...
jestine: kalau membayangkan gua bakalan direject, hati gua hancur berkeping keping
gua menyuruh jestine tidur di dada gua...
sambil mengelus ngelus kepala jestine...
me: how do you know the future ?
jestine: do you know, when elo nggak reject gua...giving me hope...may be i can be happy...to love and to be loved...
me: jestine, i love you .....
(it's breaking my heart, Jestine is so kind)

to be continued...